


2029

by wigglebox



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Birthday, Canon Compliant, Communication, Death, Existential Crisis, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Smut, talking about death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22397566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: Dean turns 50 but he's not feeling festive due to what he'll call a "mid-life crisis".
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 87





	2029

Twenty was an attainable goal; thirty was impressive; forty was a surprise--

Fifty was a miracle. 

Dean stood out on the back deck of the cabin as everyone else laughed and talked inside behind him. The air was surprisingly warm in the mountains given the date, and the small breeze smelled like springtime, even at night. He didn’t need a jacket, and the drink in Dean’s hand kept whatever residual chill at bay.

It had been a long day, and now at the end of it, Dean struggled to keep his energy and spirits up. His brain began overthinking around dinner time, and pushed him into maximum overdrive once they began singing “Happy Birthday”. The same thought had kept repeating itself:

He wasn’t supposed to make it to fifty. 

Out on the deck, Dean studied the remnants of his drink. Of all the things running through Dean’s head, the memory of him shuffling into a cold and wet tent in a Nebraska field pushed along by Sam came to him too vividly. A shiver ran down his back thinking about how the place smelled and felt; everyone’s eyes had followed him with every move he made. When he felt, black closing in on his vision and feeling as cold as ice, a bitter tang of metal coated Dean’s mouth. 

He should have died at twenty-six. 

Grimacing, Dean glanced at his drink before knocking the rest of it back, trying to get the metallic taste out of his mouth. 

“Happy Birthday to me,” he mumbled, tilting his glass around and watching the lights behind him dance on the surface. The sliding glass door behind him opened, and Dean didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. 

“Aren’t you cold?” Cas asked, the chatter inside louder now that there wasn’t a barrier. 

Dean shook his head, still not turning around. He heard a sigh and then the glass door shut again. Cas sidled up to Dean and leaned against the deck railing as well, staring out over the dark backyard and over to the lake beyond the trees. 

Cas waited a moment, throwing a glance over at Dean. 

“What are we looking at?” he whispered. The corners of Dean’s mouth turned up in a small smile before running a hand over his face. 

“Nothing. I just wanted some fresh air.” It was a vague dodge and Dean winced internally, knowing it wouldn’t pass. 

Another brief pause passed between them before Cas shifted closer, their shoulders eventually pressed together. 

“What’s wrong,” he asked, stern but still quiet. 

If over the years, while running around trying to save the world, they learned to pick up on each other’s moods and inflections--then living together for nine years only expanded those skills ten-fold. It was hard to sneak anything by each other. On a rare occasion, Dean would find himself annoyed at that fact. There were some things that he wanted to keep to himself. 

But he didn’t want to keep this to himself. Dean knew what would happen if he let those shadow thoughts come back into the light. Years of experience had slowly built his defense system. 

“I think I’m having a mid-life crisis,” Dean answered, “And it’s weird because I feel like I already lived a lifetime and had this crisis multiple times already.”

“What’s a mid--”

“Basically realizing half my life is over and I’m speeding towards absolute death,” Dean explained, going back to playing with the glass. The words sounded stupid out in the air now. 

He didn’t have to look to know Cas had a frown lining his face. 

“You’re… afraid of _dying_?” Cas asked, confusion and amusement rolling into one blurred tone that made Dean’s words sound even stupider. 

But he swallowed the small lick of embarrassment and pushed on, wanting to get it out before it got caught in his throat and was swallowed again--

“Yeah, and I don’t know why,” Dean answered, “I’m stuck between thinking I’m gonna keep coming back no matter what, or that I’m dead forever. Like--where am I gonna go? I’ve been everywhere. There’s no mystery anymore or anything to look forward to. What if we get separated?”

Turns out Dean did know why. He felt his cheeks beginning to burn, either with frustration or embarrassment, he didn’t know. 

He finally looked over to Cas and saw the very frown he pictured. There was a hate for that frown every time Dean saw it, and guilt always kicked him in the head for causing it. 

Staying silent, he took one hand and moved it over to Cas’s. Without hesitation, Cas accepted it, causing warmth to radiate up and throughout Dean’s body. There was a moment of heavy silence.

“I’m scared of the same things,” Cas eventually murmured, looking down at their hands, the frown still in place, “I wasn’t created to die. I mean--I was and I wasn’t,” he sighed, frustrated, “I wasn’t supposed to die like _this_. I don’t even know how my actual age affects me now, and I’m terrified every night when we go to bed that everything will catch up to me while I sleep--that I won’t wake up. And where do _I_ go? Will you be able to go too?” 

Dean tightened his grip on Cas’s hand, looking away off into the yard and over the trees to the lake. He didn’t want Cas to see the tears beginning to build. 

They never talked about it. Nine years together and they’ve been careful to avoid the topic if at any time they came even _close_. It didn’t really hit Dean until the week leading up to his birthday that he was less than halfway to the end of his life--this new normal life he had. It was a kick in the face for someone facing a milestone celebration, but his brain couldn’t get off the damn subject: Where did ex-Angels go? Where would _he_ go? There was no one around to ask anymore; they were buttoned up, closed off to Earth to deal with their own corner of the afterlife. Could strings still be pulled?

Whenever the hypothetical situation arose in Dean’s mind, playing out the scenario of him spending eternity somewhere without anyone he loved, unable to do anything about, he wanted to scream. Or what was worse? That, or being eviscerated into cosmic dust and blown to the far edges of the universe so no one could get their hands on him, Sam, or Cas ever again? 

Would Dean even know if that happened? What would--

“Hey,” Cas’s voice cut through the snowballing thoughts in Dean’s mind while tapping on their hands with his free one. Dean looked down and saw how tight he was holding onto Cas, causing some parts of his hands to go white and red. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled and released his hand, bringing it back to the empty glass, turning his gaze back to the lake. 

There was another peel of laughter from behind them, and it ripped through Dean’s body with a sudden surge of annoyance. Frustration threatening to billow out of control, he put the glass on the railing and turned to walk towards the steps down to the yard. He wanted some quiet--

Before Dean could get far, Cas grabbed his wrist to stop him just beyond the light from the door. Dean went with the motion and allowed himself to be pushed against the outside siding of the cabin without any protest. 

Cas crowded Dean’s space and leaned in, pressing his forehead against Dean’s, his mouth stopping mere centimeters away. 

“We’re going to be fine,” he assured Dean, voice barely above a whisper but sounding so sure of himself. Tears were beginning to seriously threaten Dean’s pride at that moment. He couldn’t say anything but nod in agreement, his arms automatically winding themselves around Cas; Dean clung to him like a liferaft. 

They stayed there for either a minute or an hour, Dean wasn’t sure, but he could feel the anxious buzz in his body calm in a short amount of time. He still had a small spike of dread, but when his worldview could get narrowed into only focusing on the thing right in front of him, Dean felt more grounded. Cas helped ground him a lot over the years; Dean doing the same to Cas. They were too good together. 

That’s what Dean decided to focus on as he soon occupied himself with trying to chase Cas’s mouth for a proper kiss:

They were too good together, and they couldn’t be separated. No one would dare separate them. They were too good together, and they couldn’t be separated. No would _dare--_

“Stop teasing,” Dean eventually whined, leaning his head back against the cabin, pouting, “It’s my birthday. Be nice to me.”

Cas pulled back as well, eyes narrowed but a faint smirk growing on his mouth. He made to say something when he got cut off by a loud _“Ha! Uno! Pay up!”_ followed by long groans and boos. Cas turned to the door, annoyance clearly building. 

Dean kept his eyes on Cas and felt a smile want to form. All the shadows and dark thoughts that were starting to pull him down began to ebb. Dean kept repeating _they were too good together, they were too good together, can’t separate us if you tried_ , and it was soon joined by another thought--said by a stern, small voice that Dean knew would grow by the end of the night: 

_Stop worrying about the ending and focus on what’s right in front of you._

Cas turned back just as Dean’s hands were starting to wander.

“Is the car unlocked?” Cas asked, keeping his voice low. Dean felt a sudden rush of warmth cascade over him hearing the sudden roughness lace Cas’s words. 

“Yeah--yeah it’s parked by the--”

Cas didn’t let Dean finish the sentence before he backed off completely, took Dean by the hand, and led him down the deck stairs into the night.

Happy Birthday to him, indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> Had to write a fic for the BIRTHDAY BOI  
> I sped up the timeline and pushed him to 50. It makes me happy thinking about them into the future, not just a year or two out but nearly a decade. 
> 
> This was originally just going to be posted to Tumblr but the word count got long enough for an AO3 post I think!
> 
> Thank you for reading this little ficlet! This was not beta’d and just edited by me so if there is a glaring issue please let me know!! 
> 
> <3 Jen wigglebox on Twitter and Tumblr.


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